For many years I struggled with the question of why God doesn’t want me. What a question for someone to ask who had just graduated from Bible college. That is where I found myself. Super surprised at where I was in life.

You may be like me. Full of life and eagerness with a heart that was exploding daily as I waited to rush to what I believed was my calling in life. I had many ideas of what my life was going to look like.

I knew what the Bible says about a lot of things. I had read it cover to cover many times. I know the “Sunday school answers”. Why would someone grounded in theology ask such a childish question?

I have a prayer that has been my staple prayer in my life since I came to know Christ.

“Heavenly Father, please let me be Your hands and feet. Let my words be the words You would have me say, let my thoughts be the thoughts You would have me think. Let me hear the depts of hearts as You would have me hear, guide me where You would like me to go, use me for Your glory in any way you see fit. I am Yours, send me and I will go.”

You can imagine my surprise when the very first thing that happened to me after graduation, was that all of what I had prayed for was seemingly gone from my life.

I didn’t know what was happening for a while. I was just trying to breathe. My body failed me in almost every way. Hands and feet, they didn’t work. Muscles, nope. Speech, nada. thoughts, what thoughts? Hearing, so very limited. What in the world happened? It’s a mystery still unsolved. One thing is for sure, my life was forever changed. And I grieved.

As I started what has turned out to be a very long healing process, I found myself heartbroken for service and I sunk into a deep depression. My most reoccurring thought was why doesn’t God want me? I mean all this preparation that He guided me through. All the opportunities He allowed me to have. I’m ready right? I am here, ready and willing, send me. please send me. It’s all I want. let me serve You.

I knew the answer was that God indeed wanted me. He was allowing me to go through something that would teach me, and I would in turn grow in my faith and maturity. I knew that God could heal me at any time. I knew a host of other things, but the sadness and loss I felt for my old self smothered me constantly.

What do I do with a body that doesn’t like to stay healthy? How do I deal with a mind that just keeps running with hopes and dreams of serving my God. How do I reflect Christ from a couch or bed? How do I spread the gospel when I cannot hold a pen or computer or even type. How do I add to my church family when I can barely attend? How do I deal with this new life that seems to be presently here? How can I even study the Bible when my eyes fail me or listen when my ears are weak? How do I put thoughts together when my mind struggles to hold a memory?

Heavy stuff to deal with while trying to heal. Truth is that every step of the way I didn’t know how much I would or wouldn’t heal. My future was a mystery even more than before I was sick. I felt like I was just a lump of flesh, unable to function.

I struggled continually for years with these thoughts. As I healed, I couldn’t let go of many things that were ingrained in me from childhood into my adult life. I had to let go of many things. Many of my character traits needed changing. I can see it now. I was maturing and letting go of thought processes, habits, and feelings that were holding me back. I needed that time in my life, but I hated it at the time.

Years later, but still healing, my hope is that everyone who crosses my path would find something in my story and life that brings joy to their heart. My prayer is that my journey would find its way into the hands of those who are in a place like I have described. I pray that they would find hope and encouragement in what God has taught me and continues to teach me because I am not special. I am like every one of His children, just trying to learn to follow Him in every situation. Even those that surprise me.

Going through different storms in our lives is to be expected. I was not ready for the size or duration of this storm in my life. But God was. He knew what it would and will continue to produce. Everything is for His glory. (My illness included) I as His child am learning to be satisfied with whatever state my body is in on any day. I am still learning this daily. I do not know if I will ever be able to say that I have mastered this.

In the letter Paul wrote to the Philippians, he said that he had learned how to be content no matter what his situation. Content is not a word I would use to describe me. I have always been the opposite. I can only imagine the range of emotions Paul must have felt as he was learning to be content.

When I think about Paul, I am encouraged. He found himself in many undesirable circumstances. I imagine that Paul had to daily give up those emotions and I bet his faith grew and grew as he waited contently for what God was going to do with his life next. We get to read the outcomes of Paul’s circumstances. In the heat of each one, he must have had to push emotions aside and rely on God to take care of his future. Boy did God show up in Paul’s life again and again.

God will show up in our lives as well. We just might not notice it when we are going through our own circumstances. Usually after a storm in my life quiets some and time has passed, I can see God’s workings that I missed because I was wrapped up in my feelings of despair.

My goal is when I find myself in circumstances that are hard to face, that I would remember to look at Paul. That I would read about his journey and how God was with him every step of the way.

My prayer for everyone is that we would find encouragement in those who have crossed our paths and who have gone before us. May the stories of their lives encourage our hearts and minds. May the Bible be our source of refuge when we are tired and weak. May the accounts we find in it strengthen our faith and quiet our souls. May we find comfort in learning to be content. May we practice it daily. May we all remember that God will never leave us. That He is right with us in the thick of things and that we are precious to Him. And when life doesn’t go as we had planned, may we all embrace it and humble ourselves to whatever service that God plans for our lives. May we surrender each day to Him our wants for our life and focus on where He has us that day and may we take advantage of whatever He crosses our path with. His timing is perfect.

I may be sick often, but this doesn’t mean that God doesn’t want me. It means I have to learn to be content with where God has me. If I talk to no one else but those who live in my house, may it be with a heart and tongue that reflects Christ. May I provide encouragement to them in their walk with Christ. May I show my love of God and my embracing of what the Holy Spirit is doing in my own life in everything I do every day.

I pray these things for us all as we continually sit at the foot of Grace and learn from Him.