I was born into two amazing families. One side of my family were dairy farmers for generations. Many of my aunts and uncles had houses on the road of the farm. Everyone was within walking distance. There were many children of my great grandparents and I had lots of family always around. This was a group of hard working farmers and their wives. They grew all the food for the animals on the farm. They bailed hay and harvested cows corn as I called it. Our family also had a very large garden. I remember the family canning and freezing vegetables to eat throughout the year. There seemed to always be homemade bread, rolls, and pies around. This side of the family always had a cleaning day where the houses were cleaned from top to bottom. Everything had a place and it should stay in its place. I feel like that should be the motto for this side of my family. The women never sat down. Until they went to bed at night they were working on something.

The other side of my family had a small farm. They had chickens, a pig, horses, a rooster, and a pretty big garden as well. Their farm was just for the family to have meat and vegetables for the year. This side of my family was always busy as well. Everyone was always working on something and large groups of family members would often come together to tackle big jobs. There were not as many women to view on this side, but the ones that were there were workers. Just like my other side these women seemed to have unending energy. They didn’t stop moving until they went to bed.

What I witnessed on a daily basis was women getting up early, working a normal job, and then coming home and keeping a perfect house and yard and successfully raising children while keeping everything in line. From these wonderful women I believe I developed a wonderful work ethic and a stubborn nature.

I have just described a way of living that I was able to maintain at some level for many years of my marriage. My house was always “lived in” and only one day a week was everything in its place and my house cleaned top to bottom. I wanted to have the picture perfect houses that my family always presented, but I was not able to maintain that level of commitment to constantly cleaning up behind children.

You can imagine how aggravated at myself I became as I grew sicker and sicker. As my illness continued, what I was able to do became less and less. This became a really big thing for me to come to terms with. Well I couldn’t clean, so what? The problem is that I didn’t realize that my self worth had become intertwined with what I could accomplish in a day. Now that inner voice we all have was constantly speaking negatively to me. I felt like a failure.

As time went on not only was my ability to stand for periods of time diminished, but my memory was declining as well. Now I can’t keep my house clean, I can’t shop for my family, I can barely stay awake, working was growing impossible, and I couldn’t keep my families schedule on track because I was forgetting so much. This was just overwhelming. I was at a loss. That inner voice would have been a nice thing to forget, but it just kept letting me know how much I was letting my family down. It was screaming that I was worthless and a burden on my loved ones. I bet you can guess I was stuck in a pit and I wasn’t really trying to climb out. I was content believing that I was failing at life and that’s where I was going to stay.

One of the great things about God is that he doesn’t leave us in our black pits to dwell on the negative. He lovingly comes in one way or another and picks us up and urges us to continue. I love that he will leave the 99 to come get the one who has wandered off. I have gotten lost more than I care to admit and He is always faithful to come get me. He places me back on the path and I move forward. That is a beautiful story all in itself, but not exactly where I am setting up camp today.

At one point God placed in my life a person with a lot of wisdom to help me explore different ways to manage my illness. This person spoke to me about self care. I’m instantly finding myself replying that I have never done any self care intentionally. The most I would do is paint my toes if I was going somewhere special. I am not one to require much time to get ready. Most days I can go from wake up to out the door in 15 minutes. Self-care is not in my families vocabulary. That would most likely be considered being lazy.

Now I find myself learning that there are different types of self care and then I’m asked to write down a list I am given of 100 ideas. At this point my mind is blown. None of this is me. Taking time out for me feels selfish. I am encouraged to add some self care into each day and in a week see how I feel. I am told that self care is really important.

I glanced over the list and picked some things to do for “self care”. Well, I quickly realized that by taking time for me to do things I needed actually did make my body feel better, my mind clearer, and my spirit stronger.

I started with doing a body scan a couple times a day. Asking myself how do I feel? Are there any muscles that are tight? By doing this I realized that I was tensing my muscles all throughout the day and holding them tight. Now I understood where my muscle knots were coming from. This lead me to doing progressive muscle relaxation a couple times a day. My muscles felt better. I had a lot less painful knots.

I then hung up a hammock in my backyard and by the grace of God it didn’t fall when I climbed in. I realized I enjoyed swinging in the hammock and looking at the clouds and nature. Some days I would listen to some scripture teaching while relaxing in that hammock. I think that the hammock is great, but I also believe that just being outside for a little bit each day has been good for me. I was staying in a dark house all day long. The sunshine is something I haven’t enjoyed regularly in a long time. I would let the dogs out to play and I would take time to appreciate what God created. The clouds, birds, wind and trees are marvelous when you take some time to appreciate them. This time has become precious to me.

I started some other things as well to pamper myself. Things like diffusing lavender, a smell I love that is also known to be calming. The list is endless of things we can do for ourselves. The important part is that we are taking care of us. We are giving our bodies the love they need from us. Our bodies are the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. Our bodies are a temple and we need to take care of that temple.

This can always be taken to an extreme and I hope that if I even stray towards that extreme that God once again will come get me and place me back on the correct path. I have seen great improvement with changing the way I plan my days. I still struggle with looking at all the things left undone and feeling like I should be doing them. I struggle, but I know that doing them means I will flare up and that will set me back at least 4 days. I still struggle with that negative voice in my head telling me what I should be doing or that I am not enough in countless ways. I struggle, but I remember that God says that my identity is not in the things I can do but in Him and my relationship with Him. Each day it gets a little easier and I pray that I can look back a year from now and see great growth in this area of my life and my Christian walk.

I think it is important to be transparent and real about life with a chronic illness. You may not struggle with what I have written about, but I bet you have another area that you struggle in. We are all unique in our illnesses, our symptoms, and our struggles. We must remember that God is unique. He is the one and only God. He is there for us to ask for wisdom, to lean on, and to find comfort in. He will always leave the 99 to come get the one. He never leaves us and He never gives up on us. As we move through our illnesses I pray that we never forget these truths about God and I pray that we find a little time to pratice some self care and embrace taking care of our spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional well being.

May we forever be at His feet