God all I want to do is serve you? Why am I not able to do that? This is a question I have asked God a lot. Then one day, after years of asking this question, I thought maybe I am doing exactly what He wants me to do. Maybe simply living my life with a chronic illness and pushing though is enough. Maybe I should stop speaking negatively to myself and about myself. Maybe I should stop expecting my body to act and react like someone who is an athlete. Especially since I never was one to begin with. Maybe simply living my life each day reaching out to those who cross my path and letting the gospel shine through me is enough.

I am reminded of the verses in Matthew 25

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom^(E) prepared for you since the creation of the world.^(F) 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,^(G) 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me,^(H) I was sick and you looked after me,^(I) I was in prison and you came to visit me.’^(J)

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’^(K)

What if loving those around me is enough? What if reaching out to those who are sick and need encouragement is enough? What if my prayers of intercession are enough? What if all this is enough?

It is enough! Somewhere it became ingrained in me that what I can do physically defines my worth. Because of this false truth, I have spoken down to myself all too often. I have let myself spend days, weeks, and months feeling inadequate. I have said many times that I feel broken and useless. All the negative words I have spoken to myself are false, lies that I let myself believe.

When your world is shaken to its core by an illness, it is easy to find yourself in a cycle where you feel lost and longing for the “you” that you remember. What we have to embrace is the new “us”. What is the new us? I will suggest the 2.0 version is actually better than the “us” we were when we were healthy? I invite you to entertain this thought for just a minute. I know it sounds crazy. How can a broken body be better than a healthy one? I get it. Just humor me for a minute or two.

As I have walked or better yet, was dragged down this path of being chronically ill, I have defiantly changed as a person. Yes , my body has a host of issues. Let’s put those aside for a moment. As I have traveled this path my mind sees things differently and my heart has opened in ways I never would have imagined.

I now see you all my chronically ill friends, I can relate more to your struggles, I understand more how hard a day can be. I know what isolation and depression fees like. I understand more how hard it is to make the slightest improvement. I see now how the little accomplishments are actually really big things. I have traveled through stages of grief of the loss of self and hope one day to feel like I have emerged on the other side of it. I see you and I hate to admit I did not see you before.

I also see now ways to brighten your day. I see now how far an encouraging word travels with you throughout your day. How a thoughtful gift can give you the reassurance you need to believe you are not alone in this. I now realize being a cheerleader for all those around you is a gift in itself. Everyone needs a caring word said to them and a heartfelt smile. Everyone needs to feel loved, appreciated, and supported. I see these things now and I have to admit they were hidden from me before.

I see how precious each day is. How precious the time is you spend with another person, and how the time you spend by yourself is precious. I now feel the importance of embracing the moments in life. I also see many things that I had put importance on in the past that do not come close to making my list of precious things now.

My point is that my life has changed and I have not always given myself the grace that I deserve, the grace God gives me. If God thinks I am enough just the way I am, then I am definitely enough. If He loves me with all my imperfections, I can love myself with my words and thoughts. I fall short in so many ways, but through Christ I am made new.

God does not need me to do anything for Him, but He chooses to use me for His glory at His appointed times. There is no sickness that can stand in His way. If and when He chooses to use me in the lives of others, He will make a way. All I have to do is love Him with all my heart and all my soul and all my might. I can do that even on the days that a shower is more than I can muster. I can praise Him from my bed, my couch, my doctors appointments, even the hospital. I can reflect Christ in all these places and more. I can show the world around me how a child of God uses faith to walk through a long difficult storm day in and day out.

So, my questions to God that I’ve had for years were already being answered while I was praying about them. He was and continues to use me, just in ways I never imagined and He has used this experience in my life to open my heart and mind to struggles I never knew existed.

I pray that this post encourages you. I pray you realize that you are enough and that what you can do physically does not define you. That you are enough, that you are loved, and that there is so much for you to accomplish yet to come. It just may be in a way you never imagined. You are not useless or broken. You are beautiful and you have a beautiful life yet to live. Be it one more day or thousands more, live each to it’s fullest. Embrace every moment finding enjoyment and know that there is no sickness that can keep you from what God has for you. He is the Alpha and Omega, a sickness will not keep Him from accomplishing all He has chosen to do through you. Your sickness is not that powerful, our God is 😉.

May we all find ourselves daily sitting at His feet learning at the foot of grace.