Often I get excited about what I am doing. I really enjoy what I do and I have to be really careful not to do more than I can handle. When you think about doing more than you can handle, does your mind race directly toward physically active things? Mine does. I am pretty good at making sure I limit my physical activity to what my body can handle and I increase activity slowly. So, how did I use all my spoons?

Let’s start with acknowledging that I should have known better. I always say that after the fact. The past seems pretty clear a lot of the time for me. I wish the here and now was more clear. I worked from home yesterday. I sat on a chair at a desk and made many many 30 minute calls. All of the calls we great, there was limited mental stress. I felt good yesterday and I felt like I was using minimal spoons during my work day.

Most of you most likely have heard of the spoon theory. This theory is a way to explain our chronic fatigue and energy level for any given day. Imagine you start the day with a full set of 24 spoons. During that day you have things you may need to do. Everything you do subtracts spoons from your original count. At the end of the day it is nice to have a spoon or two left. My doctor describes this as a gas tank and encourages me to have some gas in the tank when the day is done.

However we describe it, I was empty by the end of the day. Even sitting at a desk for hours and hours on end drained me. Trying to fit in some errands and laundry as well was a bad idea. I ended the day totally drained, achey, in pain, exhausted, and with a headache.  I had zero spoons or gas for even a quick a shower. This led to a rough nights sleep, and extremely fatigued in the morning.

Half the day is gone and I am still resting going over the last 24 hours of my life. I’m trying to walk through my day and figure out points that I should have rested and what activities I should have limited. As I think about this it still seems crazy to me that I should have to limit the amount of time I sit at a desk or look at a computer at a certain angle. It’s hard to believe that this is what life looks like now.

A day of working at home landed me in bed with a flare. Oddly enough, I can’t stay in bed all day or many more problems will mount. I will end up with a migraine and my muscles will develop knots. It is a circle. There are many circles to chronic illness that have to be carefully monitored to break cycles. Our circles look different as well. Everyone has their own tendencies that create a circle that is specific to them. I do believe that we can all put some measures in place to break the particular cycles we experience.

For example, I have a cycle of being excited about something I am working on and throwing myself into it full force and then experiencing a crash. I’m committed for one day and in bed for two. If I am not careful this cycle will repeat as soon as I feel better. I love being a part of a bigger picture. I love being part of a team and enjoy seeing a task completed. I find fulfillment in my tasks and completing them. I have to put time limits on the tasks I tackle and it is important I break the task into smaller achievable portions to break the cycle. If I do not I crash and a secondary cycle starts. My secondary cycle usually involves elevated muscle pain, dehydration, muscle knots, and finally a migraine.

We all have our own cycles/circles that we deal with. It’s important to remember that we also have an allotted amount of energy for each day. We end up being great schedulers. We learn that the word “no” is a good word and it gets increased use in our vocabulary as we live with chronic illness. We also learn to make the most out of life’s moments.

We bring a whole lot of baggage into our new life with chronic illness. We are forced to learn to see and live our life different. This is not as easy as it sounds. I have been actively trying each day for 15 months to find balance in each day by using my “spoons” wisely. AND yesterday I used all my spoons plus some!

Chronic illness is an ongoing challenge that requires daily effort. We will not always plan our days perfect. Some days we will feel like we lost our spoons. That is me today! I Unknowingly borrowed spoons yesterday from today. This happens sometimes and we just have to learn from it.

I challenge all of us to not get discouraged when we find ourselves in the aftermath of doing more than we should have. Let’s take the days that we are forced to rest to reflect on what choices we made and what we might have been able to do differently or limit. Let us simply learn about what our bodies need.

It is really nice to wake up with spoons in the drawer or a mostly full tank of gas. Embrace the rest, there is plenty to do tomorrow waiting on you.