5 years ago the scripture Romans 8:28 came to mind and it has been the answer for so many questions I have asked of God ever since.

I didn’t have this scripture memorized at first. So, I looked it up. Time and time again in my prayers I would ask why and Roman’s 8:28 would pop in my mind. Not the actual verse but the location. This has confused me over the years, until tonight. If the words of the verse came to mind, I may have felt like it was a reminder. Instead, it felt more like I was not fully grasping some understanding.

Tonight I felt led to pick up my phone and search suffering. I immediately was drawn to a devotional from John Piper. When I opened it up, I was very surprised to see Romans 8:28 at the top of the page.

The moment when the lightbulb comes on and you feel the “ah ha”. Those moments feel so good and leave you simply speechless. This was one of those moments.

John Piper’s devotional on suffering spoke about the purposes of suffering using the terms macro reasons and micro reasons. He says that we may not learn the super small micro reasons for our personal suffering, but there are large macro truths about suffering the Bible gives us insight on. He uses what he calls the 5R’s ( repentance, reliance, righteousness, reward, and reminder) to remember these truths.

Repentance is the one that really dug itself into my heart right away. My husband and I also call this a harpoon from heaven. The imagery there is perfect to how I felt.

What did I need to repent from? Turns out a whole lot- valuing anything on this Earth more than God. That sounds like a no-brainer. Especially for a theology major, it is one of the Ten Commandments after all.

I experienced a really hard time (I mean years) where I was morning the loss of my life before chronic illness. Tonight the pieces connected for me. I loved what I could “do” more than I loved the fact that God is made perfect in all my many weaknesses. Piper would say I “treasured” and this really is the perfect word for how I felt about my old self. I treasured my old self and all that healthy body could do. I felt insecure and broken. I longed for the life I once had. I wanted it back.

When we become a Christian, we do not look back homesick for our old selves. Once we give ourselves to God we put all our faith in Him. It’s by this faith that we walk through our days. The good days as well as the bad. It reminds me of the wedding vows in sickness and in health. I will have faith in SICKNESS as well as in health that God knows exactly what He is doing with my body. I will have faith that He knows better than me of how He wishes to be glorified by my life. I believe that last sentence really sums up my ah ha moment. I need not question the why’s (micro reasons) but I need to have faith in God’s plan (the macro reasons) for what I am experiencing. He can heal me at any moment. He did not make me sick, but has the power to use my sickness to glorify Himself. That’s really the ultimate goal for any Christian. We pray to be used for His glory. Countless times I have prayed for Him to be glorified through me. I just had a different expectation of what that would be.

I have a very different view of my life tonight than I woke up with this morning. I pray that God keeps enlightening me with more moments that help me to understand where I am missing the mark.

May we forever be at His feet sitting at the foot of Grace.