So many times over the past two years have I felt the Holy Spirit urging for me to write. My prayer has been, “Lord what should I write?”

I am simply overwhelmed to state it best. Overwhelmed by the difficulty of this storm of my life. Overwhelmed by the doctors visits and symptoms that ever seem to evolve. Overwhelmed by the love and support I am continuously shown. Most overwhelming is the care my Heavenly Father shows by His constant teaching as I have walked through this sickness knowing He is by my side.

I now understand more about chronic pain and long suffering. I understand the rollercoaster sickness is. I understand how the family is affected. I know how easy depression and spiritual sickness can set in.

I now understand more about suffering and how it can mature you. How it can open your eyes to things that you easily overlooked before. How it can be a blessing. For me I relied on myself and all that I could do when I should have been relying totally on God. Learning to let God just totally love me was difficult. I was so intent on “doing” for Him. When I couldn’t, my world as I knew it fell apart. Those pieces were hard to put back together. Partly because my sickness effected my brain and partly because I fought hard to regain control of my life.

The beautiful thing is I am not in control. The One who makes perfect decisions is in control. That’s exactly how it should be. It’s taken me a while to get that through my head and I still struggle.

When this happens, when I try to take over, I remember my prayer. “God let me be your hands and your feet. Let my words be your words and my actions be your actions. Let me go where you want me to go and meet those you wish me to meet. Let my ears hear what you would have me hear of the heart and soul of people who need encouragement. Enable me to reach out and love all those I know you love.” Let me learn how to be your instrument, a reflection of Your Son. Show me how to let Your will be present in all that I do in every possible aspect of my life.”

That’s what matters. This sickness doesn’t matter. It’s a means to do God’s will. It’s a means to reach out to the people He wants me to meet. It’s a means to grow spiritually and to be inspiring to those around me. This body may give out from time to time, but the love of My Father never will.

My I be forever at His feet worshiping and learning